January 2013
2 posts
The Best Time I Ever Dyed My Hair Drunk
For me, the sign of how bad a breakup was isn’t how many sleepless nights I spend re-watching Say Anything wishing that my Lloyd Dobler would come blast Peter Gabriel outside my window or how many bottles of Jack I go through. The true sign of heartbreak for me has always been how much I change my hair afterward.
[[MORE]]It started when I was 17 and first boyfriend dumped me for a woman with a...
November 2012
9 posts
A Little Advice
I didn’t want to go out that night. It was the first Saturday night in the history of my semi-adult life that I think I’ve ever tried to turn down a party. It was going to be a long drive. The people were my ex-coworkers whom I hadn’t liked when I was paid to be around them, and I had a fresh bottle of cheap white wine chilling in my fridge. I gave my friend Alexis, the only...
Maybe I'll Get Fat
My mom is constantly convinced that I’m going to become fat. Not a little chubby, but wheelchair-bound morbidly obese. When I was 13 and really was fat, she would tell me that I was beautiful and she didn’t know why the other kids teased me all of the time, but as soon as I was no longer wearing plus sizes she became convinced that I was overweight.
She used to offer me constructive criticism...
My name is Shanna, and I'm a Jealous-ohlic
My name is Shanna and I’m a jealous-oholic. If the first step is the hardest, then it should all be down hill from here. I admit that I’ve suffered from it all my life but I’m just now coming to terms with how deeply it’s affected myself and those around me. My mom claims that she hated taking me grocery shopping because even as a baby in the cart, if she paid any attention to another baby at the...
The Phantom Baby
It’s only appropriate that I went to the store because I was having a craving. I didn’t need to go grocery shopping for another week, but I was craving borsch. I’m not very picky when it comes to food, but when I do get a hankering for something, I have to satisfy my urge or it won’t go away. And this time, I was craving beets soup. Once I arrived at the store, I decided to go all out and make it...
I Dreamed of Being a Plus-Sized J.C. Penney... →
From The Hairpin
October 2012
8 posts
Conversations with My Mom: Porn
My parents, especially my mother, have always referred to the internet as evil. My mom is convinced that it’s just full of porn, child molesters and other filth and while she’s not entirely wrong, all of my past attempts to convince her that my internet experience did not involve those things has only ended in a lecture about their collective evils. To my absolute shock, when I...
The Retracted Drink
“Hey, can I sit with you guys?” I look up. He’s in his late 40’s, balding and alone in a karaoke bar. I look at Shiester who shakes her head vehemently. I don’t have the heart to say no.
[[MORE]]
“Sure.”
“Oh great!” He says and sits right down. “I’m Daniel by the way.” Shiester rolls her eyes at me but is instantly distracted when two younger guys with full heads of hair...
“If you take a picture in your sexy steampunk angel Halloween costume, but your...”
The Accidental Date
I’m walking into the grocery store and I notice this guy walking out who’s just starring at me. Just starring and smiling. Now, strange men starring and smiling at me is nothing new, but I’m so hungover tired that I look completely stoned. “Shit,” I think as he comes walking toward me, “I’ll bet he thinks I know where to get some good weed.” I’m just opening my mouth...
“I think people can be divided into two categories. Those who’ve enabled...”
September 2012
5 posts
“Too many decisions to make with no sign of what to do.”
– Neil Young - “Neil Young Comes Clean,” The New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/23/magazine/neil-young-comes-clean.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0&smid=FB-nytimes
How (Not) to Be an Adult
1. Use “fuck” three times in the first sentence you say aloud in the morning.
2. Eat 12 pieces of Red Vines licorice and a box of Cracker Jacks for lunch.
3. Complain about your stomach pains 20 minutes later.
4. Fill in the torn material of your dress shoes with a sharpie.
5. Tell your boss that some days you “just don’t feel like a real manager.”
6. Get upset...
